Opinion: Give yourself grace when the holiday blues hit
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Abraham is an assistant professor at the California School of Professional Psychology at Alliant International University. In her work, she focuses on helping therapists in training explore possibilities with their clients and communities. Originally from Brazil, she now lives in San Diego County.
The end of seasons has a way of making most people remember the past and the present, but more often than not, it is thinking ahead to the future that can invite a world of uncertainty into someone’s life. It is the end of seasons that redirects or misdirects attention to arrive at celebrations — traditions with a purpose of creating memories to bring a sense of reality to life. However, at the end of the year, nothing becomes more palpable than pain and suffering when the holidays fail to bring joy to people who are in the midst of living their lives.
You may have a strong reason to question or even explore how you can make meaning of the holidays without buying into a problem story about your life. What is it about this moment that requires your focus of concentration? Is there an area of your life that is demanding undisputed attention? Are those demands strongly pressing you in particular arenas, for example, work or relationships, perhaps?
As a therapist, I have a strong reason to believe that if you are working on society’s schedule, many pressures can influence you and those close to you to prepare for the holidays. Have you decided to be with friends or family? Or maybe you prefer to be in the company of your beloved dog? Are you feeling connected to the people who are around you? Or is there a disconnection with some part of yourself that is trying to be understood? These questions are just a sample of the top list of considerations for therapeutic interventions when people seek mental health help. They may be particularly important to many people who will find themselves attending family and work events to only play by the rules of politeness between the people who share life with us.
Over the span of my career, my job has consisted of listening to stories of pain and suffering from those who seek help when life presents them with challenges. More specifically, moments that are remarkable for having a quality of struggle as you would imagine when people experience a whole lot of adversity. In my experience, these stories of pain, grief, loss or failure become more evident during this particular season.
In many of these stories, I notice people trying to understand themselves in the thick of heartache or what is considered a problem. But, reader, I have come to understand that if we live life as fully human, heartbreak and disappointment, love and happiness are sure to meet us as well. Life is full of moments of tangency — these moments may lead people to tell stories about a series of events that fall out of what was previously anticipated. For example, you may be in a relational ending with a romantic partner or friend. This may be an experience that requires from you a hard reset in your heart. Again, in the thick of heartache, you may never know the value of wondering about what might have been or the lessons from staying with the weight of disappointment for longer than you could possibly tolerate.
Although the general therapeutic advice may be directed towards “coping” with adversity, let me propose to you a new exploration for this season: What keeps you standing when the world is delivering yet another punch to your stomach? How do you bear pain? Do you have to carry it on your shoulders? Are these questions bringing to the surface an unfinished story that wants to be written? If you answered yes, how do you respond to “less optimal” moments as an opportunity to be fully human?
My invitation to you is to let adversity show the gifts it brings into your life. If you have pulled yourself out of survival mode once again, what kind of abilities have you gained this time? What have you learned because of that defining moment? Instead of maneuvering challenges in hopes to ease pain and suffering, what experiences become available when you want nothing more than to meet uncertainty?
Many relational trials and undeclared losses have the potential to leave deep marks on the soft spot of your being. Similarly, they too have the power to become your highest achievement — and can serve as character development to remind you that you are learning to be human. Let this season remind you that life is constantly changing and that you too can embrace the multitude of stories that have yet to arrive.
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